Hello Eating Disorder, I Wasn’t Expecting to See You Here.

Relapse is a shitty word. Lapse, a lapse in judgment. A temporary failure. Relapse to me is a shitty monster that hides under the bed and grabs you ankles when you least expect is. Right when you think you’re the safest.

Relapses, whether they are from drug addictions, self injury, eating disorders, or other addictive and compulsive behaviors can be caused by a variety of factors. Stress, life changes, emotions, big events, triggers… etc.

Hi my name is Kailee and my relationship with food is a mess. I starting binge eating when I was probably about 8. I remember the feeling of eating until it hurt. I remember being strangely entrenched by this odd sensation. Enamored with it. Theres a point of “fullness” you reach where more becomes so enticing its unbearable.

When I used to drink it was similar. Buzzed, tipsy, drunk… Must drink more even though I know drunker is NOT better at this point… and then blackout. Almost every time.

I knew the end result would be undesirable. More isn’t always more, sometimes more is just gluttony. I can’t help it, it feels so good, tastes so good… Blah.

I follow Chef AJ who talks about it this in terms of addiction. We are seeking pleasure, dopemanie, a thrill.

I recall once eating a whole loaf of bread with earth balance and honey when I was going through a rough bulimic relapse.. and the thing I remember most about it was the psychosomatic feeling of euphoria. my blood was pumping, heart racing. I felt amazing. and terrible. Its hard to describe to someone who hasn’t been there. its similar to drinking, self injury, and drugs. Hurts so good and I can’t stop.

With my boyfriend moving in I’ve been dealing with things changing pretty rapidly. schedules, ideas, meals, space.. I quickly turned to food as my old go to. I went from eating Whole foods plant based- NO OIL, to “eh its vegan” to “well its like 99% vegan I’ll just taste it”. Thats when I knew it had gotten bad. It was 10 pm, and I was stretching my stomach, to the point of physical pain, to fit in one more CHOCOLATE CHIP I’m not even one of those girls who obsesses over chocolate. I’m going to be honest, normally, I’d rather eat a salad than a chocolate chip.. I know that sounds nuts but I’m big on a medley  of flavors and textures (and nutrients) in my food. not a smoothy textureless one flavored lump to be continuously shoveled down my throat until I puke.

Who was this anxious lady. eating “almost vegan” junk at 10 pm, in bed. I suddenly had an urge to vomit. Get it out, pretend it never happened, start over.

THANK GOD MY BOYFRIEND MOVED IN. THANK THE POWERS THAT BE THAT WE LIVE IN AN ITTY BITTY HOUSE. THANK THE UNIVERSE I USED THE LITTLE THIMBLE OF WILLPOWER I HAD IN THAT MOMENT TO TELL THAT BULIMIC URGE TO GO POUND SAND (this is a real expression I swear. Eric thinks its funny when I say it).

I went to sleep. Digested. moved on.

I am lucky enough to say I think i’ve caught it this time before its gotten too far.

May we all keep our relapses temporary.

Now to restart my screwed up digestive tract and relationship with food.

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